M J Bliss
How not to make friends and influence people
Swedes are truly strange creatures. They like their food bland, and anybody who ever tasted lutefisk, knows how bland Swedish food can get. They tend to stick to a few true and tried varieties, all of which include potatoes and giant sausages coated in pink wax. So, it is really surprising that this blandness-loving nation could conjure some quite amazing flavor varieties of cider, which just happens to be my favorite alcoholic beverage of choice. Swedish inventiveness at blending pear with cactus and melon, or raspberry with lime and vanilla makes one wonder, if this is the only area where the normally reserved natives allow themselves to go at least a little bit crazy.
 
I was going to review my favorite ciders for this article, and with that in mind, I made the trip to the ubiquitous Systembolaget. I decided on 6 different varieties of the above-mentioned beverage, some in flavors as exotic as strawberry-vanilla, and peach with just a hint of passion fruit.
 
Pleased with my selections, I made my way towards the cash registers, where a bored, half-dead looking young man took my purchases, along with my credit card and ID. He glanced at the ID, he looked up at me, suddenly, looking decidedly less dead, he announced:
“Oh, hey! I read about you in the paper. You really trashed this place.”
Now, he was looking positively alive.
“But don’t tell anyone. I agree with what you said. It’s just that I’m Swedish, and you know…”
 
The customer behind me was now listening to the conversation. Yes, if you are Swedish you are not supposed to criticize this wonderful country out loud. I however, am a foreigner, and as such, am granted certain leniency in my views and opinions.
 
And my views and opinions are now known to the entire län (state), because a kind newspaper reporter was bored one day, and thought it would be a grand idea to surf the web, find an Umeå blogger and interview him/her. Her bad luck was she found me. A foreigner with a bad mouth, and even worse attitude.
 
The interview appeared in a local newspaper in September, complete with my full name, photo, and a link to my blog. And the hate mail started to roll in. Soon my inbox was clogged with threats, complaints and assorted suggestions to get my bum out of here and move to where the sun don’t shine. One small problem with that – I ALREADY am in a place where the sun don’t shine! Duh!
 
Public humiliation feels good. Now I truly consider myself to be a part of this town. Finally, I feel I belong. People recognize me and smile condescendingly when I enter their shops. Strangers say “hi”. Bus drivers ask me how my day is going. And every so often, a person secretly admits they agree with me. Like the young, half-dead cashier at Systembolaget.
 
To those brave ones, who voice their dissent, this Bud’s, or rather cider’s for you.
 
I was going to tell you why, even though many other countries make their own flavored ciders, none of them come even close to the sublimely balanced varieties found here. Instead, I drank them all, and pondered why is it, that in order to be accepted in Sweden, sometimes you have to break the rules and do exactly what you are told not to?
 
 
 
 
 
 
And here’s the list that inspired more than 800 emails.
  1. (1)Here up North – the weather. I mean what’s up with that??? People were not meant to live in cold darkness for most of the year.
  2. (2)The food. What they call Chinese food here, isn’t. What they call Mexican food here, isn’t. And beef dishes in an Indian restaurant? Was it some kind of a joke maybe? Restaurant food here is mediocre at best, and the service non-existent. And why should the waiters stress too much? They get paid either way, and since tipping is not customary, they don’t give a rat’s ass about customers’ needs.
  3. (3)Mostly non-existent customer service (with the noble exception of the Nordea branch in our town, my optometrist at Se & Synas, and the staff at the Telia shop).
  4. (4)Primitive ATM machines and the fact that you have to pay for internet banking.
  5. (5)The monopoly of Systembolaget and Apoteket. Is the government really that afraid of allowing people to buy their wine and headache medicine at the supermarket?
  6. (6)Mostly indifferent attitude towards work ethic. Actually, work ethic seems to be a foreign concept here. Between fikas and lunch breaks, and summer vacations and winter breaks, and maternity leave and paternity leave, and being sjukskriven, it’s no wonder that very little gets done here. But nobody seems to mind, so who cares that Swedish companies lose business simply because there is no one to answer the phone during summer? I know of at least 2 businesses that lost contracts this August, as frustrated buyers went to Malaysia instead.
  7. (7)TV commercials. C’mon now… In the land supposedly known for outstanding design, this is the best they can come up with? Those art directors and copy writers should all be fired and punished by watching their ads 24/7 for the next few years.
  8. (8)Acceptance of mediocrity, be it at work, or in daily life. Is that how the twin evils of lagom and Jantelagen rear their ugly heads? Nobody aspires to anything, but to fit in. Nobody dares to solve any problems, because the solution may contradict their philosophy, and god forbid they will have to change the way they’ve always done things. For most people, it seems, that clinging to their ways is more important than succeeding in the world.
  9. (9)Being sjukskriven (sick leave) is a career choice. I think this oddity deserves a point of its own.
  10. (10)Poor integration of immigrants and racist (and anti-semitic) attitudes of many supposedly liberal and educated people. True, the same can be said about the US, however in the US they at least admit they have a problem. And nobody would even dare say such a thing in this socialist utopia.